When LS started 20 years ago, my GP did not know what
we were dealing with. I
had small cuts on my penis which, when they cleared, left an
ivory coloured scar. I
was very itchy. My penis never felt comfortable with the rest
of my body, it still does not.
My GP sent me to see a specialist.
As a result I was diagnosed as having lichen sclerosus.
“You were born with it”, I was told.
No cure to be had.
Sexual intercourse was very
painful. My wife has
been great and very understanding but you sometimes hurt the
one you love most.
As the years rolled by the
“attacks” became more aggressive and I sustained long periods
of itching, soreness and pain.
No sexual activity was possible.
I was told by the specialist that LS could not be caused
by having sex.
I became very withdrawn
emotionally. I shut
out the person I loved most, my wife.
I said to her “I will tell you when I can make love”.
I stopped the long kisses we used to give each other. I stopped telling her I loved her. I stopped a lot of normal things that two people who love each other
do. I started to drink
alcohol each night so that when I went to bed I was just flat
out on the pillow, straight to sleep.
The fear of getting that feeling of wanting to be with
my wife was too frightening.
I suffered long periods
of depression. I would
go to see my GP and over the years they changed but our family
has been blessed to have had, and still have, good doctors to
turn to.
At one point, I was in hospital.
They took a skin graft from my penis. I
think they were looking for cancer.
I have tried lots of creams
over the years – none of them have helped the symptoms. I have often turned back to drinking alcohol
and I found that this was making me less efficient at work.
I have often thought about
suicide. When you are
down, in pain, cannot see much future, you see death as a way
out. Thinking about my wife and my family have just about kept me from
taking my own life. I
was on holiday with my family and taking a trip on a boat.
The water was so inviting and looked warm. I looked down – I had my foot on the rails of the boat - I thought just a couple of seconds and that
would have been it.
Each time I had a bout of
depression, I would pull myself together somehow. Every day I was living under pressure. I felt as if I was losing my manhood. My working environment is an all male environment. The men talk all the time about sex, just normal
every day talk about sex. I
just have to go along with it and pretend that I am the same
as them. It makes me feel rotten and not normal.
My marriage really has suffered
and my wife and I have seen our GP together and also been to
marriage counsellors. At
the end of the day, they do not know what I was going through
and my wife and I have still had to work hard to try to resolve
some of the difficulties that not being able to have sex have
caused. We are still
together and I love her.
On one occasion on holiday,
I completely lost control of my emotions and the friends we
were with wondered what could be wrong with me.
When I returned home I saw my GP again and he referred
me to a skin specialist. The
specialist prescribed Eumovate cream and I used it when required.
After a while the sores on my penis went away and the
ivory scars now seem to be gone from my penis.
Love making improved for a while but has never returned
to the way it used to be. My
foreskin is damaged and the skin tissue is tight.
The symptoms do return from time to time and when
that happens I become depressed and struggle to try to keep
going on.
